The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.

Posted September 15, 2022 | Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

You have been poked and prodded by medical experts. You have yielded many vials of blood. Scientifically advanced machines have mapped your body's inner workings. At last, you get an explanation for why you’ve been feeling so poorly.

Then, your doctor informs you that there are treatments but no cure.

You are prescribed the requisite medications, informed of the necessary lifestyle changes, and sent out into the world to make peace with being sick forever.

Coping with a diagnosis of a chronic condition is a painful process. You must grieve for your life as an able-bodied person and carve out a new kind of life for yourself–likely, a life you never imagined you would need to live.

This is completely possible–chronically ill people worldwide live happy, fulfilled lives, even as they carefully manage their health. Here are a few vital lessons every chronically ill person must learn on their journey to acceptance and peace.

You are not making it up.

Even when your body is malfunctioning in every possible way, it is surprisingly difficult to accept the reality of chronic illness.

It is difficult to accept that many newly chronically ill are troubled by self-doubt. You know that people get sick–in the general sense–but feel flabbergasted that this misfortune has happened to you. In a way, it’s almost easier to believe that you’ve been a bit dramatic about your illness, that you've accidentally convinced yourself that you're sicker than you really are.

Slowly, insidiously, a voice in your head whispers: have I, perhaps, overreacted to my symptoms? Have I deviously tricked my medical team into thinking I’m chronically ill? An healthist society around you might subtly reinforce these worries. And yet, the prospect that you are (albeit accidentally) pathologically deceptive might even look slightly more attractive than managing a chronic condition for the rest of your life.

But unless you have a history of elaborate dishonesty, it is extremely unlikely that you’re making it up. Mental health conditions that cause people to fabricate or feel non-existent illnesses are very rare. It wouldn’t make much sense to wish for and go so far as to invent distressingly uncomfortable physical symptoms.

The most important lesson for the newly chronically ill is to believe yourself. If you feel sick, you are sick. It will do you no good to discount or ignore your symptoms and push through. Pushing through will only exhaust you and likely worsen your symptoms.

Steer clear of quick fixes.

In an ideal world, your loved ones will shower you with support after diagnosis. But often, because your loved ones are human, this support is entwined with their fear of chronic illness.

It's terrifying that an incurable illness could befall anyone at any time. In the past, you and your loved ones have been able to studiously ignore this fact of life. But now, your vulnerability to disease illuminates their vulnerability–and it's uncomfortable for them.

Expect that your support system and the love they feel for you will need to cope with their fear of lifelong illness. Like you, they may struggle to accept that your illness has no obvious, controllable cause or cure. In this process, you may receive dubious social media posts about the miraculous benefits of some herb, medication, diet, or exercise regimen.

You may even find yourself seduced by the fantasy of a miraculously cured illness. At your lowest, what could be more enticing than the promise that your illness would disappear if you simply take, eat, or do the right thing?

It is wise to remember that miraculous cures are the exception, not the rule. Beware of telling yourself that if you just tried hard enough, found the secret, and said the magic words, you would be well. If there were a perfect way to manage your illness, you would probably have been quickly informed of your diagnosis.

Steer clear of the siren song of quick fixes, and encourage your loved ones to do the same.

By getting sick, you may have joined an oppressed group. Disability is defined by the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) as “a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities.” So if your illness interferes with the activities of daily living, you can consider yourself part of the disabled community.

The ADA is so important because people with disabilities experience discrimination. This discrimination is known as ableism or healthism. Ableism isn’t exclusive to sinister or cruel people. Ableist messages are embedded in our society, shaping how we view disability.

You may now be the recipient of these ableist messages at the doctor, among your family, and even within your own heart. Recognizing and confronting your biases and ableist beliefs will be necessary.

For example, when you criticize yourself for not trying harder to overcome your illness, you may be influenced by the harmful stereotype that disabled people are lazy or undeserving.

If you frequently question the validity of your illness, you might have grown up with messages that disabled people are overly attention-seeking.

And suppose you feel like a failure because you haven’t managed to heroically cure your illness yet. In that case, it might be helpful to confront the bias that disabled people must be angelic, inspirational figures to deserve societal approval.

Remember: you don't have to be an inspiring warrior. And you aren’t a lazy wretch, either. You are simply a human being who happened to become incurably sick. The more you work to eradicate your own ableist beliefs, the better you will be able to carry your illness daily.

Find alternatives to beloved activities.

One of the most painful parts of chronic illness is the loss–the loss of health, the loss of identity, the loss of activities that once pleased you. It is easy to become despondent when you find yourself unable to engage in the activities that used to make you happy.

When you get sick, it will be necessary to modify or even stop some parts of your life–that’s the very definition of a disability. There will be some things your body could do before that it simply can’t anymore. But you might be able to engage in some of your beloved activities with modification.

Perhaps you used to love hiking but now are physically unable to access nature similarly. Instead, you could find a maximally scenic walking path for a short stroll. Or, try putting a bird feeder right in your backyard and see how many birds you can attract. Who knows: maybe you will become a fierce advocate for accessible paths within your local nature preserves.

Dedicate yourself to researching accommodations and alternatives to activities from your pre-illness life. Or, take up a new hobby that can be done even from bed. Instead of solely focusing on what you’ve lost, begin filling your new life with moments of pleasure that don’t leave you exhausted.

Even if you work your hardest to manage your illness, you will likely still experience periods when your symptoms worsen.

Try not to panic whenever you have a bad day or week. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re managing poorly or that your illness is worsening–although it’s always wise to follow up with your medical team over any significant symptom changes.

One of the most important qualities you can cultivate as a chronically ill person is patience. You must be patient to wait out medical test results, long-scheduled appointments, and regimen changes. Focusing on immediate gratification will only cause more suffering. Instead, turning your mind towards what you can control is much more effective, keeping your expectations of results open and neutral.

Remember–your goal as a chronically ill person is not to feel better every day, immediately, and forever. Your goal is to make peace with, and live well with, a chronic health condition. Be patient with your body, mind, and heart while you find your way forward.

Americans With Disabilities Act of 1990, Pub. L. No. 101-336, 104 Stat. 328 (1990).

Amanda Stuckey Dodson, LCSW, is a therapist in private practice, specializing in the treatment of eating disorders and meaning-making after trauma.

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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.